


Stick of Butter

by hamiltonkilljoy75



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Domestic Fluff, M/M, One Shot, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, Post-Watford (Simon Snow), SnowBaz, Tags Are Hard, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, also simon is bad at dancing, i mean really what are tags, not as much as he loves baz, simon loves butter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-24 00:37:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17090768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamiltonkilljoy75/pseuds/hamiltonkilljoy75
Summary: Baz accidentally bets Simon that he can't eat an entire stick of butter in one go. This is the aftermath.alternate title: this is really how i spend a thursday night: writing gay fanfiction to post on the internet





	Stick of Butter

**Author's Note:**

> I was bored so I thought, "hey! what would happen if Simon actually ate an entire stick of butter?"
> 
> Also: wanted to write a one-shot and i think this one is pretty adorable.

I didn’t think that he would actually do it. I didn’t think that he would take my offhand passive aggressive comment as a challenge. I didn’t think that I would have to “pay up” five quid after my idiot boyfriend ate an entire stick of butter in less than five minutes.

The most repulsive part was that he downed the entire thing in three bites. As if I didn't think that he was a nightmare before, this merely confirms everything I've thought about him since first year (other than the fact that I was and am to this day completely and utterly in love with him).

“Baz. Come on! You drink blood!” He retorted, chasing me around the flat. “There is no way that you can be all high and mighty about this one!” He tried to grab me, but I was not about to have that idiot touch me with buttery fingers that he in no way tried to wash.

“First off, I don’t just down a pint of blood because I think it’s fun to do! Blood keeps me sane and alive. Eating an entire stick of butter will eventually cause your arteries to clog and for you to die. Second, I didn’t even try to in any way instigate this madness of you eating an entire stick of butter!”

He started to scratch his head with the buttery fingers. If he wasn’t a walking nightmare before, now he’s officially a disaster! I don’t know how he would survive if he didn’t have Penny or me. “Whatever. You still owe me five quid.”

“I do not owe you five quid, Snow!” I exclaimed, trying my best to sound offended.

“You said that I couldn’t eat an entire stick of butter in one sitting.”

“I said you shouldn’t eat an entire stick of butter!”

Simon raised his eyebrows as if something had just dawned on him. “That makes more sense.”

I raised my hands between us. “Because that’s what I said.”

He rolled his eyes and headed towards the kitchen sink. “Whatever. You still owe me five quid.” He sounded like a broken record. It was infuriating.

“I do not!” I stormed into the kitchen after him.

He looked at me smugly, turning on the tap to wash his hands. “Just because I misheard you doesn’t mean that you didn’t agree to the bet!”

My jaw dropped. He beat me. That idiot beat me at a mind game! The audacity! “But…but…”

And then he kissed me. The tap was still running and his hands were a strange cross between greasy and sopping as they ran through my hair. He’s an excellent kisser, but the taste of butter was overwhelming and disgusting. So I broke the kiss.

“Crowley, Simon. You’re ruining my hair and you taste revolting!” I said. “I might as well be making out with a stick of butter.”

“Maybe that’s why I love you so much,” Simon replied, smiling up at me. “You’re like a stick of butter.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Love, of the things to compare your boyfriend to, a stick of butter has got to be the worst.”

“Why not? You’re irresistible and you melt under my touch! You’re exactly like a stick of butter!” Simon exclaimed, listing the two things out on his fingers.

“Remind me why I’m in love with you again?” I asked, not so much of a question as it was a command.

He smirked and winked at me. “Pay up.”

“Simon, no.”

“Simon, yes! You lost the bet; you owe me ten quid!”

I widened my eyes. “I thought it was only five quid.”

“Price just went up.”

“I don’t have my wallet on me.”

He shrugged and grinned. “I guess, I’ll have to do that later. I have more pressing matters.”

“Pressing matters?” I asked. “Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?”

Simon didn’t say a word; he just kept smiling and slowly leaning closer to me. I think he was trying to do a sexy dance but instead it just kind looked like a dog walking on its hind legs. “Love, what the hell are you doing?”

“Seducing you.” He grabbed my shirt collar with his still greasy hands which is a shame since I really liked that shirt. But Simon…he’s far more important than a grease-stained button up shirt.

The sound of the tap overpowered everything in the room. "Could you please turn off the tap? It's distracting me from whatever the hell this is," I said, gesturing to Simon clutching onto my shirt for what feels like dear life.

He rolled his eyes before letting go of my shirt and turned back to the tap. He even wiped his hands on a piece of kitchen roll before turning back to me and grabbing onto my shirt again. "Now where were we?" He asked me. "All I know is that I was grabbing your shirt."

I laughed slightly and pushed a beautiful golden curl out of his face. "You were seducing me with dance moves that could only belong to a zombie cat on its hind legs."

He raised his eyebrows. "Did I really?"

I nodded. "Dancing's not your strong suit, darling. Keep to seducing me; you're rather good at that."

Simon grinned mischievously as he leaned in closer and closer. "I'm gonna keep on dancing, Bazzy. That's how I seduce."

“You’re going to ruin my skin,” I said.

“You asked to remind you why you’re in love with me. That’s what I’m doing,” he whispered in my ear before sucking on my neck. I couldn’t hold back the moan even if I tried. Thank Merlin Penny wasn't in the flat, or else neither of us would have ever heard the end of it. 

He still tasted overwhelmingly like butter when he finally kissed me, but I didn’t mind. He’s a good kisser, and he’s mine. Even if he mishears my snide comments and ends up accidentally betting me that he can, in fact, eat an entire stick of butter. He's my idiot boyfriend who can eat an entire stick of butter.


End file.
